The Official Rant Thread

[PoikSpirit]

So. Here I am, again, at the board of rants. The rant I have for you tonight is rather dumb, or illogical I guess. Skip it if you wish.
I hate myself. I guess everyone has a qualm with themselves every so often, but I honestly can't stand me. I hate my life, and here's the curveball, I have no reason to. My parents are wonderful, they're almost my best friends. We secured a good home before house prices went further up. We have a good solid income, about middle of middle class if I remember right. I have friends, or at least people who have put up with me without backstabbing me. I get good grades, I went to an advanced elementary class, I take as many AP classes as I can, I'm in at least 6 different extracurricular activities and am one of the leaders in 4, and I plan to get into a good college. Never broken a leg, never been in a hospital for more than an hour, I don't have anything physically wrong with me other than being a little too skinny, and I'm only allergic to some pollens, dead leaves, Tylenol, and some sunscreens.
But, all my life, I've been around people who aren't half as blessed as I am. One of my best friends had a younger adopted brother who tried to kill him many times, sometimes a couple times a day. My first friend was forced into Catholic school, and got into drugs later. People on GB would talk to me about their problems, I was almost an on-line therapist for a couple years. And the most illogical thing: I've always wanted to be them.
I haven't done anything with my life, give it to someone more deserving. That is what I thought. I would trade my life to anyone, because I'm tired of not being able to help with more than a listening ear and a smile. The worst part is I'm slightly an empath. I've been able to tell what another person is feeling emotionally since I was born. That ability died out quite a bit in middle school. And worse than that, I somehow developed something my mother's "energy" and meditation instructor calls "energy vampirism." That is, whatever that person is feeling, so some reason unknown to me, I feel it too. For instance, as with most parents, they loved me, and were happy a lot when I was a baby, so naturally, I always woke up with a smile, they said I barely threw a tantrum. I didn't realize that I did this for the longest time, when my sister was punished for something she did to me, I felt horrible, I'd lock myself up in my room. When I knew one of the staff was feeling bad in elementary school, I made some small talk and held a door open for them, they told my parents I brightened their day. They told me this years later. If this all sounds dumb to you, that's okay, it sounds implausible to me too, and I lived through it.
So, my last girlfriend had one of the worst lives of anyone I knew in real life. Her parents abused her psychologically, and her brother abused her physically. Her father forced her to become want he always wanted in a son, and then told her she couldn't do anything with him or her brother because she was a girl. Maybe not so outright, but that's pretty much what has happened all her life. She was on her father's soccer team, he being the coach, and he pushed her harder than any of the others. She has an asthma problem, he knew about it. He tells her to suck it up. Her mother is pretty nice when he isn't around, but she agrees with everything he says, and when he's around, she acts rather like him too. They both blame her, a lot, for anything that goes wrong in the household. They've made her break up with some of her friends, and they've forced her to apologize for "telling lies about them." I've been around them long enough to know that she wasn't lying. I know others who were friends with her for longer and know that they weren't lies. She's been socialized by them, and backstabbing middle-schoolers, to not trust anyone, and that's hard to break out of. They actually criticize her subtly while they are being watched, but have somehow taught her what the underlying insult behind each is, so if someone around her says something that can be taken in a negative way towards her, she thinks it is. That made it very hard for me. She didn't trust me, and took nearly all my compliments out of context and thought I was somehow insulting her every so often.Naturally, I viewed this as my one chance to really help someone who needed someone.
We were best friends. She asked me to marry her one day. What am I supposed to say? If I said no, I thought the relationship would end there, and we would break up (ha) and I'd never see her again. Knowing her mental state, I thought she'd hate me for the rest of her life, or worse. After a few months, I think I built up her confidence, but I was trapped in the relationship. She kept wanting to see me more often. We racked up huge phone bills. I was late to work a few times because of her. And I saw her parents more often than my own. But I couldn't tell her that I wanted to see my family and friends without her thinking I was breaking up with her. At this point, her parents were getting worse, because they noticed she was getting better, and I'm not even kidding. She was practically at the point I had to talk her out of crying every day. I couldn't break up with her, I feared for her life.
Eventually, I cracked. Completely. We just had a good day together, and the next day I woke up, and I realized, I was stuck. I couldn't end it. But then I thought, if I killed myself, I'd be out. But then she might kill herself, thinking it was her fault. I promised her I'd call her that morning, but I couldn't bear it. I went to my mother and asked to leave, I told her I contemplated suicide. She called that second, and mom rushed me out of the house. I turned off my cell phone and left. We decided I would spend a day at my friends house because otherwise she would track me down. But first I was to call her and break up so she wouldn't be as worried, she called nearly twenty times wondering if I was alright, each time sounding more and more frantic. I admitted to my girlfriend when I called her back that I almost comitted suicide and choked up. I tried to say I needed some time off, but I couldn't stand to hear someone who loved me, or thought she did, try to console me then. Needless to say, I often comforted her, but it was hard to cheer, and considering the fact I feel sad when a child cries, I ended up crying with her nearly every time. We ended up consoling each other most nights instead of enjoying the movies we were watching. It was catharsis for her, I think, to console as well. But now, I couldn't have her console me, because I could tell it was hurting her terribly. I hung up. I left the house. That made me feel even worse. I think that was the worst thing I've ever done to someone. She showed up soon to my house, she had told her parents that I had thoughts of suicide. They thought I had to be taken to professional help, and threatened to being police into it. It simmered down, thanks to my parents. And nearly a month later she brought me the stuff I forgot at her house, and gave back all my gifts. I went to work the day after my mental breakdown, and no one there suspected it. I didn't hear from her until she brought back my stuff.
I had to. Nearly ever fight was the same, we weren't getting anywhere, and I didn't "love" love her anymore. I still cared incredibly much. The relationship was hurting both of us more than helping. Though the relationship didn't seem to have much after effect except for a few of her friends mad at me and her avoiding me and her claiming I was staring at her throughout Band Camp. Now we're friends again, although one of her friends in the flute section still holds a grudge against me. And she recently admitted that I was the only person she really loved, not just because she could have left her parents or elope with one of her previous boyfriends, something maybe of them had promised apparently.
So here I am, a failure behind a keyboard, typing a long winded rant, wondering whether or not to even bother hitting the post key. Maybe I should make the font smaller so you can scroll past it and not have to read it. Compared to some of your troubles, I'm just being emo and complaining about a past I can't change. I really don't think I should post this and darker the boards with this though. And I really have to slap myself for thinking I'm not worth enough to cause someone to sympathize over me. This is why I haven't posted this sooner.

Oh, and more importantly, I think my computer has a virus. My start menu bar won't show up at the bottom of the screen, everything is really slow, and the desktop shortcuts have disappeared. I can't open anything, Firefox was open before this started.

[Giga-Gar]

Wow...Um...That's just...wow. I really don't know what to tell you. I mean, I believe you but...well...just wow.

[Silver]

Well I know what to say! Don't worry about not posting something, first of all. the "F" in "PVF" can stand for "Forum" or "Family". Or Failure. Or Fudge Crackers. Or Fingers, like Atma's infamous shining/burning/middle ones. Or Fish Nuggets. Or FUNimation. Or Flabbergasted. Or Fu...

Ok, so I lied. In case the subject change didn't make it obvious, I really don't have any idea what to tell you, either. Except for don't be afraid to speak your mind. That's what the rant thread's for. We've all got problems. Would you believe my mom's worried about me because I'm not having a mental breakdown? My cat died, so I should be upset. And I'm not, so there's obviously something wrong... with not being upset about something as trivial as a cat. Yeah. That's some logic, there.

...The point is, there's always someone here to listen, if it'll help. And uh, just throwing this out there for good measure... Suicide is bad! Don't do it! There's more to life than people! There are also cartoons. And they'll never betray you.

In other news, "Pebble Version Fish Nuggets" is going to be a big item some day.

[BionicleMandi121]

Not sure if this applies, but...
I once read something where a girl had a really good life; caring parents, stable income, basically most of what you just mentioned. All of her friends had miserable lives, and she had a strange desire to have a dark secret past that was worse than any of theirs, so they would admire her more for acting so carefree. When she mentioned this to her friends, they scolded her for wanting such a thing and told her to feel glad that her life was what it was.
This probably was completely off-topic, but your rant sorta reminded me of that. Not even sure WHERE I read it.

Anyway, Poik, I can't really put myself in your shoes, as I've had no inclination toward romance whatsoever, but I'll admit I am a bit of a people-pleaser. I try hard not to annoy others, frequently ask if I'm annoying them anyway, and try to phrase my sentences to not insult people. I don't like it when people are upset, and I like trying to cheer them up. A lot of the time this leaves me wondering if I'm really making them feel better or if I'm just annoying them even more. So if what I'm about to say (type?) annoys you, um...sorry about that. I really can't predict how people decide to interpret my words. oo'
The truth is that sometimes, knowing someone's there to listen to you and knowing they support you is the best way to help. My mother has been going through a lot of stress regarding her mother, and she'd often go off into a rant about how she's making life so much harder and how thick-headed she's being and so on. I'd sit there and not say anything--but I do make sure she knows I'm listening--and eventually my mom would cool down and be able to concentrate on other tasks more efficiently. Sometimes she apologizes for saying the same things to me, but I just tell her that if she talks and knows I'm paying attention, she'll feel better afterward. This tends to work in other ways too; for example, I ranted to my friends about how my parents were forcing me to do something I didn't want to do, they sympathized, I wasn't as angry after the conversation (and not as ready to dissolve into tears as when I'd started the rant).
So don't bash yourself for not being able to do more. You might not think it's enough, but it really makes a big difference to know someone cares, and that you AREN'T really alone.
That sounded so cheesy.
But it's true. :/
And I'll admit I also considered suicide for reasons as trivial as hating piano, but something at the back of my head always prevented me from acting on that consideration. Most of the time it was a "that's a stupid reason to die" sort of thing, although I've also had a couple of "but if I die I'll never find out what happens to me when I grow up" which then led to "I wonder what job I'd get?" and stuff like that. So in short, I never tried killing myself. Then there's the whole thing of not having the guts to kill myself either, so I guess that helped.

[PoikSpirit]

Thanks. You especially Mandi. I know what you mean, I sometimes feel like what I'm about to say won't help, and I worry about that a little. And piano? I'm not sure how to respond to that.

...The point is, there's always someone here to listen, if it'll help. And uh, just throwing this out there for good measure... Suicide is bad! Don't do it! There's more to life than people! There are also cartoons. And they'll never betray you.

Don't worry, it was a while ago, I've only thought of how stupid it would have been if I did since then.

In other news, "Pebble Version Fish Nuggets" is going to be a big item some day.

Mmm. They're chewy. Oh wait.

[NabMaster]

Wow Poik, this might sound a bit strange, but I think I know how you feel, at least in some aspects.

But, all my life, I've been around people who aren't half as blessed as I am. One of my best friends had a younger adopted brother who tried to kill him many times, sometimes a couple times a day. My first friend was forced into Catholic school, and got into drugs later. People on GB would talk to me about their problems, I was almost an on-line therapist for a couple years.

Remember I said a while ago that a very dear friend of mine got married? I met her about 6 years ago, and I spent the next four years of my life coming home from school and just listen to her rant about her problems. She was suicidal, and I would always try to get her out of it. It took about 3 of those 4 years for her to finally get what I'm trying to do, and from what I know she's stopped. I've helped out three more people solely on the 'net.
Truth be told, I was tempted to try suicide before, simply because I'm bored. Always have been, hopefully I won't always be. Nothing happens in my life, I live through other people. So I guess I can say we're similar in that aspect to a degree.
Anyways, my point is, there are people like you out there (and in here) who are willing to help you through the rough spots. If you need someone to cheer you up, we're here for each other.

[Josiah]

I know what you mean about being around people who aren't nearly as blessed as you are. My family is much better off than that of quite a lot of my friends and I've grown up having more and doing more than most people I know. But, then again, I also know people with a lot more than me. The real key is to be happy where you are. If you're content where you are and your friends are content where they are, then it shouldn't bother you.

If they vent all their problems to you, well, that makes things a little more complicated. It's good to listen to others when they need it and try to help when you can, but you have to realize that you can't save everyone. Sometimes, no matter how much you want to help someone else, there really isn't much you can do. You can still try, and you know, maybe that little bit you did will have a far greater effect than you could imagine later on. But if it gets to the point where trying to help someone is causing your own life to deteriorate that badly you've got to get out of it. You won't be able to help anyone if your life falls apart too.

Like the others said, we're all here for you if you ever need to talk. So try and cheer up, be happy that things are so good for you.

As for the computer, try restarting it (use ctrl + alt + delete if you have to) and see what happens. If that doesn't help, skim back a few pages in the Saying Hi thread and you'll find my lists of virus prevention and removal tips.

[PoikSpirit]

Thanks again.
And my "virus" was 3 spywares and a trojan... I've had Spybot S&D find 56 'problems' that didn't slow down my computer that much.

[Josiah]

Yeah, some of those things are a lot nastier than others. Glad you got it fixed.

[auragongal]

Arrgh! my older brother is such a jerk! Today he decides to alt+f4 me while on the computer. Then He demanded to know why I haven't responded to his e-mails, the last one I got from him was in June. Now, he's annoying me while I'm sick and what's worse he gets his jack assiness from both sides of the family, he's not just a jack ass... He's a super jack ass.

[Shadowman]

Clearly he is an obstacle to your happyness...then you must destroy him!

[Atma]

Arrgh! my older brother is such a jerk! Today he decides to alt+f4 me while on the computer. Then He demanded to know why I haven't responded to his e-mails, the last one I got from him was in June. Now, he's annoying me while I'm sick and what's worse he gets his jack assiness from both sides of the family, he's not just a jack ass... He's a super jack ass.

Marley's your brother?

[Giga-Gar]

That would be quite possible, but he's 16 and Aura's 17. Unless...Marley is Aura's older brother and time traveled when he was younger than the current Aura!

I'm not very good at understanding time paradoxes, much less making one.

[auragongal]

Huh? Blasto and I aren't related as far as I know. What made you think that?

[Astral Omega]

To Aura: Him thinking it was Marley is just a reference to the fact that you called your brother a super Jackass... Atma was just being a noof.

To Poik: Wow. You know.. I actually know where you’re coming form with some of that stuff.. that "energy vampirism" thing? I come up with that term to explain how I am sometimes... I didn't know other people called it that too! I know what it's like to try and make people around you happy because you can feel their pain.

I also know what it's like being from a fairly blessed Family. I mean, yes, I have my problems- mainly money (I'm probably closer to a lower-class family in terms of income) and I was bullied in primary school which made it difficult for me to form friends and blah blah blah... but I have a good relationship with my parents and whatnot, I DO have friends that care about me and are there when I need them.

It's fantastic that you can be that listening ear for people. Everybody needs a friend like you. But Josiah was right, if it's harming you that dramatically… to the point where you're actually contemplating suicide then... wow, I think I just realised that I don't actually have anything to say here.

Everybody around here is so helpful I feel I'm too late. All the best advice has already been given.

I think we all have our times where we feel a little messed up. We all want to be somewhere else, we all want to escape from whatever life we're leading right now and that's all part of life. Some get it when they're young (it's a symptom of growing up and being a teenager. Our hormones are messing with our emotions and we're still learning skills and the where we fit in for our adult lives) some people get it when they're older (I guess that's what a mid-life crisis is.)

Basically, it's survival of the fittest. We need to take control of our own lives, sort things out for ourselves while always remembering who our friends are and who we can turn to when we feel like we really just can't go on.

When you feel like you're trapped... Like there's nothing you can do, it's only because you're too close to the situation. Take a step back, look at where you've been, look at where you are, look at where you want to go and find the best path for you... ooo.. life it like a Labyrinth! Yeah... that's cool.

Everyone will get lost many many times in their lives because we're not given a map so we need to solve every problem as we come to it. Sometimes the paths we take in the maze have traps or monsters we have to fight, sometimes we find health and metaphorical 1-ups... life is like a video game... Where am I going here? um..

This, I guess isn't just advice for Poik. I've kinda veered off into general advice for life. Am I really qualified to give that kind of advice though? I don't know... but it's seemed to work for me a couple of times. Recently, in fact, I've come to this general conclusion about how to handle the ups and downs of life... and I’ve never felt better in my whole life!

Maybe I should write a book... or at least a paragraph... or perhaps I should shut up now. Sorry.