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 Post subject: The Girl in the Mirror
PostPosted: Fri Sep 04, 2009 7:23 pm 
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Pokémon Legend
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M'kay, so this is a short story idea I came up with a bit ago, and since I was suffering from writer's block and I suddenly had an idea, I eagerly clung to it and went with it. :P It turned out pretty good, I guess. As always, comments and critiques appriciated greatly!

The title was what my friend came up with after reading it. I couldn't think of anything that I liked :sweat: . I guess "Memories of a Field" was the best I could come up with, but I like "The Girl in the Mirror" better.

--

It was the night of the dance, and Leila was in her room getting herself ready. For quite some time, she had been dreaming of this day. Tonight, she was going to the dance with the most amazing boy she had ever met.

Leila turned over to the mirror in her room. In the mirror was a sixteen-year-old girl ready for an incredible night. She was dressed in a stunning azure dress that complimented her mascara-lined blue eyes. Her curly brown hair fell beyond her shoulders, framing her face perfectly. Around her neck was a silver necklace with a shining sapphire pendant. Her makeup was applied perfectly, not too much, and not too little. All in all, she was absolutely beautiful.

With a start, Leila realized she’d forgotten her earrings. After a quick glance around the room with no success in finding them, she realized she must have put her jewelry box back in her closet. She quickly dashed over and opened her closet to get her jewelry box, but upon opening the door several items tumbled down. Surprised, she held out her hands to protect her face, not wanting to re-apply her makeup if it were to get smudged.

Once the small torrent subsided, Leila sighed and went to put her closet back in order. She bent down in a ladylike manner to pick up the fallen clothing. After returning several garments of clothing to their correct locations, Leila saw that the next item on the ground was an old baseball cap.

At this, Leila paused. Slowly, she reached out a manicured hand to lift up the old cap. I haven’t seen this in a while… she thought to herself as she held the hat in her hand.

The cap was old, nothing special in outward appearance. It was tattered from long hours of wear. The colors had all faded, and there were smears of dirt everywhere. Despite all of this, Leila smiled to herself. Memories flooded back to her.

This had been her favorite cap. She wore it all the time, even off the baseball field.

The baseball field…

Leila closed her eyes and she could see it clear as day.

She was on the pitcher’s mound, grinding her cleats into the dirt. After spitting to the side, she turned around to face the batter. The count was 3-2, and there were two outs, bases loaded. The opposing team was down by one run, and it was the bottom of the 9th. It was the most dramatic situation possible. One pitch could make it, or break it. She had never been so excited in her life.

She could hear the jeering voices from the opposing team. “Knock it out of the park! Hit that ball! Their pitcher’s just a
girl!”

Her messy brown hair fell in front of her eyes, and she absent-mindedly tucked the stray strands into her cap. The cloth baseball felt rough in her hand. She twiddled it around in her fingers for a bit before she found the perfect grip. This was it.

She straightened herself, preparing for her pitch. Then, with an expression of sheer determination on her face, she took her stride and released the ball. It flew forward at an incredible speed, and the batter took his swing… but he was too late.

The umpire let out a shout, and the frustrated batter walked away. She scarcely noticed any of this though, as her own team had rushed from the dugout. They surround the mound, cheering her name.

“Lei-la! Lei-la! Lei-la!”


The cheering subsided, and again Leila was in her room, old cap in hand. She was surprised to find tears forming at the corner of her eyes. Hurriedly, she dabbed them away so her mascara wouldn’t run.

It had been nearly a year since she’d taken the field. Why?

There was no way he’d think of a tomboy like her as more than just a friend…

The only way to impress him was to change. Over time, her ragged jeans were swapped out for skirts. Gone were the old t-shirts. She even spent time in the morning getting her hair ready and applying makeup. Hours on the baseball field were replaced with trips to the mall. Slowly, bit-by-bit, the old Leila had worn away to be replaced by a new one.

Still holding the cap, Leila again looked over to the mirror. In it was that same beautiful girl, dressed from head to toe in the most amazing outfit.

But it wasn’t her.

_________________
May the Triforce be with you.
"To love another person is to see the face of God." ~ Victor Hugo
"Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid." ~ William Ernest Henley
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Last edited by Saber Knight on Sat Sep 05, 2009 10:26 am, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Sat Sep 05, 2009 2:27 am 
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Mew
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Just a couple of comments from a quick read...

1. Good title.
2. The story itself is solid. Actually, it reminds me a lot of this one shojo manga whose name I can't remember at the moment...
3. The writing is pretty good. There's some spots where sentences could be combined, commas could be moved, and the like to improve the overall flow, but that's the type of thing it takes years of serious story writing to get a good feel for.
4. You've got way too many full paragraph breaks. Admittedly, that makes it a bit easier to read on forums but as far as story formatting goes, it's not good. Your story doesn't really need any. Or, at most, two to seperate the baseball flashback bit from the rest. In general, you just want to use a simple line break and indent for new paragraphs (no blank space between the lines of text). Full on paragraph breaks should be reserved for a moderately large change (jumping to a different time, place, or perspective and the like). Even larger changes should be seperated by a paragraph break and a symbol of some kind. For example, look how I break up the paragraphs in the following story outline...

Quote:
Character 1 says something.
Character 2 responds.
Character 1 silently muses about what Character 2 said.

Two hours later, Character 1 and 2 are approaching the castle.

Up in the castle, Mr. Evil Guy is watching the characters and monologuing about his plans to stop them.

***

Meanwhile, on the other side of the world, Character 3 is off on his own quest.

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PostPosted: Sat Sep 05, 2009 10:39 am 
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Pokémon Legend
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I just realized I messed up the italics for the flashback. :sweat: Whoopsies... gonna go fix that one...

Thanks, Josiah. Glad you liked it :-). Yeah.... I don't like the lack of indents. I do the spacey thingy to try and make it easier to read, 'cos it bugs me when it looks like a big blob of text and not very formatted. Yet, it also bugs me when everything's all spaced out. Kinda a lose-lose sitchiation, no? Where I have it saved in MS Word, it's not all spaced out and it's got normal paragraph indents that the forums don't accept.

And, as a side note, that is a fantastic story outline. I think you should make it into your next novel :P. I find Character 1 to be very likeable, and easy to connect with. *nod*

_________________
May the Triforce be with you.
"To love another person is to see the face of God." ~ Victor Hugo
"Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid." ~ William Ernest Henley
Image Image
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 01, 2010 12:19 am 
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Egg
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i loved the plot of the story, and you have really good writing.
i agree, you shouldnt space 'em out so much. but thats just formating stuff.
youre writing is amazing, the storys great, and its a good idea too.
;-)

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