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 Post subject: Re: Flying People
PostPosted: Wed Jul 01, 2009 7:11 pm 
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;-) I understand,and I do apperate Luquos input on what I spelled wrong cause it helps me become a better writer I just whanted to make sure its understand that if anything bad was said about my stroy I woulden't stand for it. I ment no harm. ;-) Sorry. Does anyone know a good writeing website,besides writeing.com?

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 Post subject: Re: Flying People
PostPosted: Thu Jul 02, 2009 3:14 am 
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I didn't get mad. I suppose the fact that we can't hear people's tone through the forums makes it difficult to perceive the way someone is saying something. I took Luquos's comment about Kako and I talking as being in a fed-up, belittling, or angry tone. I don't have any problems with the corrections and I didn't mention them...

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 Post subject: Re: Flying People
PostPosted: Thu Jul 02, 2009 3:46 pm 
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*^_^*kako wrote:
;-) I understand,and I do apperate Luquos input on what I spelled wrong cause it helps me become a better writer I just whanted to make sure its understand that if anything bad was said about my stroy I woulden't stand for it. I ment no harm. ;-) Sorry. Does anyone know a good writeing website,besides writeing.com?


Criticism about your story itself can be hard to hear, although, if you do ever get some, it's good to try and look at it from the other person's perspective and think whether or not they have a point. Sometimes they don't, but sometimes they'll find a legitment fault and you'll need to think about what you can do to fix it. As for writing web sites, I'm mostly self taught so I don't know any off-hand. Though I'm generally happy to critique other people's writing if asked, assuming I have time.

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 Post subject: Re: Flying People
PostPosted: Fri Jul 03, 2009 1:53 am 
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;-) Well if your not busy I would like your input, anyones input would be nice for that matter. Eclectric always gives me input on my writeing and I injoy hearing it each time. Heres more of my story "Flying People".

†††
And now after the events of that night I find myself here, heading north, almost out of food and money. I took the map out of my pocket and unfolded it, acording to it I was comeing up to a dirt road on my right. There was a temple aparently at the end of that road,which seemed to lead high up into the moutains,but more interesting there was a short cut from that temple to the place I was headed.
As I came to the turn I steard the two hourse to the right and headed tword the temple. There wasen't much to go by just that,this temple was very old and there most likely wasen't any monks that stilled lived there. I should of headed to the town,or at lest thats what a smart person would have done. The road turned from dirt into a stone trail and it lead deeper into the woods. Finely I came apound the temple,it was huge and seemed to reach tword the sky. There was a flat stair case leading up to the main entrace if it wasen't there you would have to be abule to fly to get inside. The hourse hoffs clicked agents the stone as it change from a stoney gray to a topaz like color. The stairs lead through a siver incruseted door way that lead right into a huge main room,the roof was glass with a few pices missing from age and layed apound the floor. The walls where amazeing,pictures lined them of the same I had seen in the book, or at lest the same style.
Paintings of trees and temples where ingraved into the stone and the room itself was a masterpeace, I quickly fumbbled with my stuff and took out the small book,the book that had gotton me into this mess. And I fliped to the back where the two pictures where,and I was right. It was the same style,and if I had any dought I looked closer and there seemed to be some kind of words carved into a small part of the wall same type that was incripted into the book.
I left my hourse where they where and desided to contenue my adventure inside the temple. To my left there was another stair case the looped around inside the wall and seemed closed off, something I wasen't going to miss. I tucked the small book under my arm and I started my way up the stair case the walls and the steps themself where just like there where befor, picture lined every inch of it. Onece at the top it seem to be a opean garden, it was dome shaped with no glass in the center of the sealing. Beside for a rock path the whole floor was coverd in plants,red,blue,yellow,pink,oragne there was a flower for every color here. Then something came to my mind that made me snap out of my dazz quickly and I looked around hastly.
I had read enough books to know that some of there flowers woulden't have lived like this in this kind of environment inless someone was takeing care of them. There was no sigh that someone had been up this trail in a while,but there was also no sigh that anyone lived here. But someone would of had to there was no other way to explain it. But what would it be?


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 Post subject: Re: Flying People
PostPosted: Fri Jul 03, 2009 3:56 am 
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Here are some fixes for you, hon:) Subtle changes can make all the difference. I hope you like these fixes. I'll put in red parts that I can't fix because I don't know what you mean. It's not perfect, even after my corrections, but quite an improvement. *smiles warmly* The story is good, you just need to give more thought to what sorts of words you use and how you put your sentences together.. Words like 'it' and 'started' and 'went' and 'way' are boring words, you see. Think of writing as being like painting a picture. Though you can see it in your mind you have to describe exactly what you see in a detailed way, or the reader won't see the things you see.

†††
And now after the events of that night I find myself here, heading north, almost out of food and money. I took the map out of my pocket and unfolded it. According to it I was coming up to a dirt road on my right. There was apparently a temple at the end of that road, which seemed to lead high up into the mountains; more interestingly there was a short-cut from that temple to the place I was headed.
As I came to the turn I steered the two horses to the right and headed toward the temple. This temple was very old and most likely there weren't any monks who stilled lived there. I should have head to the town; that's what a smart person would have done. The road turned from dirt into a stone trail and it led deeper into the woods. Finely I came upon the temple. It was huge and seemed to reach toward the sky. There was a flat staircase leading up to the main entrance. if it wasn't there you would have to be able to fly to get inside. The horse hooves clicked agents the stone as it changed from a stony gray to a topaz-like color.
The stairs lead through a silver-encrusted doorway which lead into a huge main room. The roof was glass and due to age a few shards lied on the floor. The walls where amazing; either the same pictured I'd seen in the book covered the walls, or the pictures were in the same style. Paintings of trees and temples were engraved into the stone, and the room itself was a masterpiece, I quickly fumbled with my stuff and took out the small book--the book that had gotten me into this mess. I then flipped to the back of the book, where the two pictures were, and I saw was right. The pictures were the same style, and to get rid of any doubt I looked closer. I saw that, carved into a small section of the wall, were the same type of words that were encrypted into the book.
I left my horses where they where and decided to continue my adventure inside the temple. To my left there was another staircase that looped around inside the wall and seemed closed off, something I wasen't going to miss. I tucked the small book under my arm and I began my climb up the staircase. The walls and steps themselves where just like they where before; pictures covered every inch of them. At the top of the stairs there seemed to be an open garden. It was a dome-shaped area with glass covering all but the very top of the ceiling. Except for a rock path, the whole floor was covered in flowers: red, blue, yellow, pink, and orange.
Then something came to my mind, something that quickly snapped me out of my daze. I looked around hastily. I knew that some of these flowers wouldn't naturally grow in this dome, thus someone took care of them. There were no signs of anyone but myself on this trail, but there was also no sign that anyone lived here. But someone must have been living here; there was no other way to explain it.

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 Post subject: Re: Flying People
PostPosted: Sun Jul 05, 2009 4:33 pm 
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*^_^*kako wrote:
;-) Well if your not busy I would like your input, anyones input would be nice for that matter. Eclectric always gives me input on my writeing and I injoy hearing it each time. Heres more of my story "Flying People".

†††
And now after the events of that night I find myself here, heading north, almost out of food and money. I took the map out of my pocket and unfolded it, acording to it I was comeing up to a dirt road on my right. There was a temple aparently at the end of that road,which seemed to lead high up into the moutains,but more interesting there was a short cut from that temple to the place I was headed.
As I came to the turn I steard the two hourse to the right and headed tword the temple. There wasen't much to go by just that,this temple was very old and there most likely wasen't any monks that stilled lived there. I should of headed to the town,or at lest thats what a smart person would have done. The road turned from dirt into a stone trail and it lead deeper into the woods. Finely I came apound the temple,it was huge and seemed to reach tword the sky. There was a flat stair case leading up to the main entrace if it wasen't there you would have to be abule to fly to get inside. The hourse hoffs clicked agents the stone as it change from a stoney gray to a topaz like color. The stairs lead through a siver incruseted door way that lead right into a huge main room,the roof was glass with a few pices missing from age and layed apound the floor. The walls where amazeing,pictures lined them of the same I had seen in the book, or at lest the same style.
Paintings of trees and temples where ingraved into the stone and the room itself was a masterpeace, I quickly fumbbled with my stuff and took out the small book,the book that had gotton me into this mess. And I fliped to the back where the two pictures where,and I was right. It was the same style,and if I had any dought I looked closer and there seemed to be some kind of words carved into a small part of the wall same type that was incripted into the book.
I left my hourse where they where and desided to contenue my adventure inside the temple. To my left there was another stair case the looped around inside the wall and seemed closed off, something I wasen't going to miss. I tucked the small book under my arm and I started my way up the stair case the walls and the steps themself where just like there where befor, picture lined every inch of it. Onece at the top it seem to be a opean garden, it was dome shaped with no glass in the center of the sealing. Beside for a rock path the whole floor was coverd in plants,red,blue,yellow,pink,oragne there was a flower for every color here. Then something came to my mind that made me snap out of my dazz quickly and I looked around hastly.
I had read enough books to know that some of there flowers woulden't have lived like this in this kind of environment inless someone was takeing care of them. There was no sigh that someone had been up this trail in a while,but there was also no sigh that anyone lived here. But someone would of had to there was no other way to explain it. But what would it be?


sounds suspenseful!! :-o

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 Post subject: Re: Flying People
PostPosted: Mon Aug 17, 2009 5:22 am 
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;-) Here is even more of Flying People. I hope everyone enjoys it and please leave comments so I can know what you think. The more comments I get the more i update it.

Even if someone was living up here, how did they get food? As far as I could see there had been no fruit trees and no water. Across the room there was a small opening between two big wooden doors. I could see that pass them there was a rope bridge leading up to a higher part of the building. I walked over to the door and ran my hand across it. It was just as old as this building, but just like the flowers it appeared to be cared for. It was smooth to the touch and appear to have been covered in something to make it shine. Just then I herd the creak of the bridge and pressed myself agents the wall. So there was something or someone that was up here. I listen to the quite foot steps as someone walk across the rope bridge even when they pushed the wooden door open more it hardly made any sound. Then as the person walked in I was very surprised.
It was a young girl, she wore a short sleeved white dress with flowing ruffles to her knees. Her hair was a soft red color with a hint of orange like a sunset. Her eyes where light red like a slightly dark pink rose. She wore no shoes and had a warm skin tone. But even though I was not suspecting a girl to be up here it wasn't what surprised me most. What did however surprise me was not something that appeared real, but couldn't be. Coming from two slits in the back of her dress, where to very white feathery covered wings.
She looked around for a moment, lucky for me not behind her. In her hands was a small white cage, inside the cage where two butterflies one was red the other blue. Some of the flowers I had seen before lined the bottom of the cage. Once she made sure no one was in the room she open the small door in the front of the cage and released the two butterflies.
" There you go little ones play nicely." She said as the two butterflies flitted out of the cage. The blue one flew back and landed on her nose while the other one landed on her shoulder. She laughed then held up her hand to her face and the blue butterfly flew over and landed on her finger.
"Now stop that you both are going to like it here better then in that cage, you'll meet more friends and look at all the flowers you can eat." She smile very softly and the two butterflies almost like they understood what she said flew off into the garden. It was almost like she had them trained. Butterflies where not supposed to be able to understand humans at all. Then a call came from the other building.
"Ellen will you come here for a minute?" It was a young mans voice. I made a mental note that there was two people in the building.
"Yes, be right there." She took one last glance at the garden then turned around to go back out the door. I froze hoping she wouldn't see me, but she did she looked more confused then scared of me. She looked at me like some painting studying me carefully like she had never seen another person like me. She sat the cage down and slowly walked over to be. She was curious but very careful not to make any quick movements. She kept walking in-teal we where about two or three feet from one another. She seem to be trying to look over my shoulder. I guessed at the time she was trying to figure out where my wings where, maybe she didn't know humans didn't have wings. She reached out with one hand about to touch my face when, the rope bride made a creak as someone walked across it. The girl called Ellen jumped back quickly thinking it was me that made the nose. I saw the shadow of someone in the door way. But I couldn't see who, and after what I just saw I didn't know what to expect.


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 Post subject: Re: Flying People
PostPosted: Mon Aug 17, 2009 9:11 am 
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Lovely so far and lovely picture. ;-)

I wonder who the shadowy person could be.

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 Post subject: Re: Flying People
PostPosted: Mon Aug 17, 2009 5:41 pm 
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I don't want to be rude, but I thought I'd point out that you can get inspiration through PMs too with the same content... since only the two of you are reading each others' posts, wouldn't PMs make more sense? (Except those don't increase your post count, I guess. :v)

To be more on topic, I read the last chapter your posted, and the first thing I noticed was... well, the first sentence. I assume that the first sentence is something she's thinking. If so, then those should probably be separated from your narrative. (most commonly, quotation marks?)

So that would be:

"Even if someone was living up here, how did they get food?" I thought. As far as I could see...

Also I notice you're either missing a lot of commas or putting them in when they aren't supposed to be there. That's a common problem though, and I know I do it too. >> Just a heads up.

Some of the words you use, I suspect, aren't just typos but incorrect word usage. For example:
I could see that pass them there was a rope bridge...
I think you mean:
I could see that past them there was a rope bridge...

If you don't proofread your work, I think you should. You might not be aware of making mistakes while you're writing, but once you go over it a second or third time, you'll be sure to find mistakes you didn't notice before and be able to correct them before posting them up for people to read.

One more note: I skimmed the previous chapters as well and noticed you use a LOT of run-on sentences. For example:
It was a young girl, she wore a short sleeved...
You should have put a period after "It was a young girl". Every time you want to change subjects or put another subject in, you should end a sentence because it's already a complete thought on its own.

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 Post subject: Re: Flying People
PostPosted: Mon Aug 17, 2009 7:20 pm 
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Flora wrote:
It was a young girl, she wore a short sleeved...
You should have put a period after "It was a young girl". Every time you want to change subjects or put another subject in, you should end a sentence because it's already a complete thought on its own.

You don't necessarily end a complete thought with a period every time. In this particular case a semicolon would be great. You can use a semicolon for two complete thoughts that can stand on their own when the two thoughts are closely-related to each other.



You did make some errors, Kako, but just minor things, nothing severe. The plot itself and the way it's unfolding, the events etc... there's nothing wrong with those at all, just syntax errors.

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 Post subject: Re: Flying People
PostPosted: Mon Aug 17, 2009 7:46 pm 
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A period would be more acceptable, though, yes. Notice I said "should", and that she should "end her sentence", not necessarily always with a period.

Yeah, I'm not saying these are really serious errors for some casual writing, just a few suggestions. I'm sorry if you expected to post something up for everyone to see and have absolutely nothing negative said about it. xD

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 Post subject: Re: Flying People
PostPosted: Tue Aug 18, 2009 3:19 am 
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Flora wrote:
I don't want to be rude, but I thought I'd point out that you can get inspiration through PMs too with the same content... since only the two of you are reading each others' posts, wouldn't PMs make more sense? (Except those don't increase your post count, I guess. :v)

To be more on topic, I read the last chapter your posted, and the first thing I noticed was... well, the first sentence. I assume that the first sentence is something she's thinking. If so, then those should probably be separated from your narrative. (most commonly, quotation marks?)

So that would be:

"Even if someone was living up here, how did they get food?" I thought. As far as I could see...

Also I notice you're either missing a lot of commas or putting them in when they aren't supposed to be there. That's a common problem though, and I know I do it too. >> Just a heads up.

Some of the words you use, I suspect, aren't just typos but incorrect word usage. For example:
I could see that pass them there was a rope bridge...
I think you mean:
I could see that past them there was a rope bridge...

If you don't proofread your work, I think you should. You might not be aware of making mistakes while you're writing, but once you go over it a second or third time, you'll be sure to find mistakes you didn't notice before and be able to correct them before posting them up for people to read.

One more note: I skimmed the previous chapters as well and noticed you use a LOT of run-on sentences. For example:
It was a young girl, she wore a short sleeved...
You should have put a period after "It was a young girl". Every time you want to change subjects or put another subject in, you should end a sentence because it's already a complete thought on its own.



:blush: Yes I make quite a bit of mistakes. However please don't just skim the chapters. If you had you would realize that Even is a guy, and he is the one telling the story. Ellen is the girl and in-teal my recent chapter she hasn't been in it. I really think you would enjoy the story more if you read it all the way through.

Eclectric: Yes I know. ;-) I'm hoping people will like the story so much they will overlook the errors.

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 Post subject: Re: Flying People
PostPosted: Tue Aug 18, 2009 3:50 pm 
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I'd enjoy a story a lot more if there were fewer errors; it's just a way to improve your writing. I'm not trying to ridicule your story but honestly want you to improve. It's the reason why we tend to approve of better writing and literacy and whatnot on forums.

I don't think I ever mentioned the characters being either female or male, so I'm not sure why you pointed that out. xD I'll be sure to read your stories in closer detail later on when I have more time. I just skimmed the most recent one because there were too many pages to go through.

Basically what I'm trying to say is, the better your stories are as far as lack of errors, the more likely people are going to enjoy reading them. :3

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 Post subject: Re: Flying People
PostPosted: Tue Aug 18, 2009 5:22 pm 
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Eclectric wrote:
Flora wrote:
It was a young girl, she wore a short sleeved...
You should have put a period after "It was a young girl". Every time you want to change subjects or put another subject in, you should end a sentence because it's already a complete thought on its own.

You don't necessarily end a complete thought with a period every time. In this particular case a semicolon would be great. You can use a semicolon for two complete thoughts that can stand on their own when the two thoughts are closely-related to each other.


Proper semi-colon use is a bit tricky to get down. It general, it's based to used them very sparingly (how many semi-colons do you see in the average novel?). In cases like this, it's often best to either use two sentences or to do some rewriting so that a single sentence sounds better. For example, "The young girl wore a short sleeved..." or "It was a young girl wearing a short sleeved..." Both of those sound good as a single sentence without the need of semi-colons or even a comma.

As for thoughts, Flora is right. It's best to set them apart using either quotes (ie. "It can't be true!" I thought.) italics (It can't be true!). Though, if using italics you need to be sure it's always clear who is doing the thinking and avoid using italics for anything else.

I'll also echo Flora's comment that proof reading (ideally repeated proof reading) is very important. I tend to proof read every story I write at least twice, usually several times before I'm "done" and even then I generall miss a few things.

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 Post subject: Re: Flying People
PostPosted: Sat Sep 05, 2009 5:22 am 
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;-) More of my story I hope you like it!
"Ellen there is the strangest looking animal outside did you see anyone come in?" She glanced over at me and I watched the shadow as it moved closer. Then a hand was placed on the door and turned so however (or whatever) was there could see what she was looking at.
"A human!" I could now see that the shadow person was nothing more then a boy........ with wings. He jumped in front of the girl and held up a gold staff. He looked the same age as her with brown shaggy hair, he wore a green robe. I notice he then took a fighting stance and looked at me angrily.
"Wait wait I'm not going to hurt anyone!" I held my hands up defensibly and to show I had no weapons.
"Stay agents the wall." He looked over his shoulder at the girl. "Ellen are you o-k?"
She nodded. "Yes I'm fine. I saw him just before you came in." She glanced at me and the boy lowered his staff just a bit then turned back to the girl and whispered.
"Do you think he is hiding his wings?" She looks at me for a minute then back at him.
"I don't know, why would he hide them?" I cleared my throat to speck.
"Um I've never had wings." They both look at me surprised like they didn't know I was able to hear them.
"So your a human?" The boy asked.
"Yes, and I mean you both no hard I just came here because I was given this." I held out the book hoping they would know what it was, but neither of them seem to recognize it. The girl stepped forward and the boy watched me carefully as she took the book out of my hand and flipped it open.
"Saffron look at this." She walked back over to him and showed him one of the pages with writing on it.
"Those look like the same text in the library." He mutter.
"There is a library?" I asked.
"Yes there is." The girl named Ellen answer,
"I just came from it when I saw this very strange looking animal outside."
"That animal is my horse, and it is also not dangerous." They both looked at me carefully. Who where these people, what where they doing up here?


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