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PostPosted: Sun Jul 09, 2006 11:45 am 
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Blaziken
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Joined: Sun Jun 25, 2006 2:36 pm
Posts: 259
Location: The confines of my mind...
Unmoving and silent, he stares at her. Finally, she snaps. ?Why do you keep staring at me?? She yells. He doesn?t answer. He couldn?t answer, not in his condition. A tear runs down his face as he sighs in apology. It?s all he can do. She starts pacing the room. His eyes follow her, begging her to stop, but she doesn?t. He lets out a cry. ?What?s wrong?? she asks, although she knows she?ll get no answer. Instead, she looks into his sad, blue eyes that once were lively. She looks at the man that was once so vivacious, now living in a wheelchair. That lively man had died in the crash, leaving this echo of him, this echo of his soul. The crash that had been caused by her on the night she did something she should never have done. The night where she had become something she had always detested: a drink driver.

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<!--QuoteBegin--></span><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td><b>QUOTE</b> </td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'><!--QuoteEBegin--><a href='http://www.wizards.com/dnd/dice/dice.htm' target='_blank'><br>Dice Roller</a><br>Just so I know I can find it...lol :D<!--QuoteEnd--></td></tr></table><span class='signature'><!--QuoteEEnd--><br><br>Nialla: 6 Wins, 0 Losses (Tackle, Bubble, Wing Attack, Gust)<br>Stephanie: 2 wins, 0 losses (Peck, Charm, Sing)<br><br><span style='font-size:11pt;line-height:100%'><a href='http://www.freewebs.com/elyssa_sylverwyng' target='_blank'>Marple Moop</a>:</span> the site of randomness, and the stuff that used to be here...


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PostPosted: Mon Jul 10, 2006 4:51 am 
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Articuno
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Joined: Wed Jul 07, 2004 3:34 am
Posts: 6659
Location: Merseyside, England
This is kinda short and to the point. I think this would work better as a type of poem then as you have it. Its very well written but lacks a form. Is this a short story? a paragraph from a book? I think it would work best a a non-rhyming, series poem

I've placed it in a way that will make it work as a poem. Its just my personally opinion on how you could make it work to its full potential

Echo of his Soul

Unmoving and silent, he stares at her. Finally, she snaps.
?Why do you keep staring at me?? She yells.
He doesn?t answer.
He couldn?t answer, not in his condition.
A tear runs down his face as he sighs in apology.
It?s all he can do.
She starts pacing the room.
His eyes follow her, begging her to stop, but she doesn?t.
He lets out a cry.
"What?s wrong?? she asks, although she knows she?ll get no answer.
Instead, she looks into his sad, blue eyes that once were lively.
She looks at the man that was once so vivacious, now living in a wheelchair.
That lively man had died in the crash,
leaving this echo of him,
this echo of his soul.
The crash that had been caused by her on the night she did something she should never have done.
The night where she had become something she had always detested
A drink driver.

_________________
"BOW BEFORE THE SHAUNINESS THAT IS SHAUNI! "--Shadowman

"Shauni fell down a drainage ditch and died. That was the end of her pokemon journey. "--Shauni


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