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 Post subject: Biohazard
PostPosted: Wed Dec 19, 2007 10:33 pm 
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((First, an explanation. It started with the Resident Evil RP. The RP seemingly died... So I decided to turn it into a comedic fanfic. As for the name, well, what better name for a Resident Evil fanfic than the Japanese Resident Evil Name! Also, if it's okay with Artemis and Marley, I want to use the names they gave their characters. If not, then I change them to something else. Now, let the hilarity begin.))

CHAPTER ONE: AN UNWELCOME GUEST

Keith was just your ordinary Canadian college student who had just finished watching a zombie movie. He had long, black hair that obscured his eyes and was dressed in a dark-violet turtleneck and a pair of black jeans. Life was good, except for that fact that everyone he met thought he was emo for some reason. He hated that. Plus the zombie movie he had just finished watching sucked.

“That zombie movie I just finished watching sucked!” Keith complained, “The whole 90 minutes was just people shooting zombies and zombies disembowling people! The scripting was awful, and there was absolutely no plot! And another thing-“ Keith’s rant was interrupted by a knock on his door. “Wonder who that could be at this hour…” Keith muttered as he pulled himself off of the couch and walked towards the door. “Look,” Keith said as he opened the door, “Whatever it is you’re selling, I don’t want-“

Keith stopped dead in mid-sentence. There, at the door, were three zombies, straight out of the crappy zombie flick he was ranting about barely a minute ago. “…any.” Keith finally finished. “Huh. Zombies. Right after I finished watching a zombie movie. What a coincidence.” Keith pondered the irony of the situation for a few seconds, then slammed the door shut.

“Holy crap!” Keith yelled in a panic as the zombies quickly broke down the door and began advancing menacingly towards him. “Look guys, I’m sorry I thought your movie was bad. It had some nice moments, like when the woman ran outside the mall to get her dog and had her limbs ripped off and devoured by yourselves. How about we all just forget I even watched the movie at all, eh?” The zombified trio continued to advanced unabated. “Alright then, let’s not forget! How about you gentlemen just take anything you want? My cell phone! My Xbox 360! My CD collection!” Keith desperately grabbed a CD case from said collection and held it out towards the zombies. “See, this one’s… um… Hybrid Theory, by Linkin Park! Great album, actually the best selling album of 2001. Linkin Park also-“ Keith was interrupted as one of the zombies swatted the CD out of his hand. “Okay! So you’re not huge fans of Linkin Park, but how about…” Keith reached for another CD, “….Billy Talent! Great band, one of the greatest Canadian bands ever in my-“ This CD was also swatted out of Keith’s hand. “Okay then, how about the Foo Fighters?”

Swat.

“Aerosmith, then?”

Swat.

“The Kaiser Chiefs?”

Swat.

“Rihanna?!?!?”

Swat.

“AAAAAAH!!!!” Keith screamed as he ran from the zombies, straight into the wall… Straight through the wall… Leaving a cartoony Keith-shaped hole in the wall.



Somehow I expected something more dramatic and less Looney Toons.


CHAPTER END

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Last edited by Doodleshark on Sat Dec 22, 2007 8:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Sat Dec 22, 2007 8:56 pm 
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Location: Ottawa, Soviet Canuckistan
((Chapter 2. The reason I'm doing this in several very small chapters is because I find it easier, and I can usually write more in a shorter amount of time. Also, for God's sake leave reviews! It's difficult to work while having no idea what people think of my sense of humour!))

CHAPTER TWO: EPIDEMIC

“HolycrapholycrapohmyGodohmyGodohmyGod!!!” Keith was panicking as he ran down the street, trying to put as much distance between him and his dorm as possible. “Gotta call the police!” Keith stopped and dialed 911 on his cell phone.

“Hello, you have reached the police,” an automated voice answered, “We regret to inform you that all on-duty officers have been turned into flesh-eating zombies, and are currently busy disemboweling the living. Please leave a message after the horrifying moan. Moooaaaaan.”

“Great!” Keith cried in frustration as he continued walking, “What the heck am I supposed to do-“ Keith stopped mid-sentence for the second time that night as he was greeted with the gruesome scene of several dozen zombies, several dozen people fleeing or getting mauled by said zombies, and a military jeep pulling up to the scene. A handful of soldiers stepped out of the jeep and ran towards the zombies… only to die comically after slipping on several poorly-placed banana peels.

“…Now. Man, am I getting sick of being interrupted with narration. Oh well.” Keith walked over to a dead soldier. “I guess he won’t need this anymore….” Keith grabbed an m16 with a grenade launcher on it and slung it over his back. “…Or this…” Keith took a combat shotgun and the keys to the Humvee. “…Or this. Gee, I hope I don’t get bad karma for looting these dead people. Nah!” Keith drove the Humvee out of the city and towards an uncertain destination.

CHAPTER END

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PostPosted: Sun Dec 23, 2007 10:02 am 
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Location: Ottawa, Soviet Canuckistan
((Just for the record, I tried to change Marley's character a bit so that he'd be more obnoxious, all for the sake of comedy.))

CHAPTER THREE: THE MANSION


On a lonely country road, a military truck sputtered to a stop.

“Great,” Keith muttered, “Out of gas. Now what?”



“Um…” Keith cleared his throat, “I said, ‘now what?’. Honestly, the narration for this chapter is severely lacking.”

Just as Keith finished his sentence, the sun rose, revealing a large mansion hidden in the trees by the side of the road.

“That’s better.” Keith slung his M16 over his back and stepped out of the Humvee, shotgun in hand. Cautiously, he stepped up to the front door of the mansion and opened it.


Meanwhile, a few hundred feet behind Keith, a teenager named Marley was walking along. He had brown hair underneath a red baseball cap, and was dressed in jeans and a blue t-shirt.

“Man, am I glad I got away from those zombie-type people! Too bad I have nowhere to go. Or any supplies. Ah well, at least I can still sing! Oh, I would walk five hundred miles, and I would walk five hundred more…” Marley sang optimistically as he came upon the mansion, “...Just to be the man who walked a thousand miles to fall down at your door! Ah, God I love that song. Ooh, a really big and creepy looking house! Let’s go investigate!” Marley walked up to the front door. “I wonder if the people who live here will be creeped out by my constant talking to myself? Oh well.” However, as Marley tried to open the door Keith himself opened minutes earlier, he found it mysteriously to be locked.


Speaking of Keith, he was at the time surveying the mansion’s front hallway.

“Geez, this place is old. Like, old old. Probably-“ Keith heard a gun cocking behind him “...Defended by automatic gun turrets?!?”

CHAPTER END

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PostPosted: Sat Dec 29, 2007 1:25 pm 
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Location: Ottawa, Soviet Canuckistan
(Changed Timothy a bit too. Sorry Artemis, but it's all for the sake of comedy. You'll see later...)

CHAPTER 4: Eh, I'll think of a name later.


"What the?" Marley was confused by the door's unwillingness to open, "That's weird. I just saw another guy open this door and enter the mansion with no problem. Oh well." Marley turned and began walking away from the mansion, but was stopped in his tracks by several growling noises coming from the nearby bushes.

"Mommy..." Marley whimpered.


"...Defended by automatic gun turrets?!?" Keith said in surprise, "That's screwed up!"

"I'm not an automatic gun turret, nitwit." A voice said behind Keith, "Who are you? What are you doing here? What is the capital of Mongolia?"

"My name is Keith, I'm hiding from zombies, and Ulan Bator. What's with all the questions, am I taking a geography exam or something?" Keith replied sarcastically, as he turned to see a boy a few years younger than hi with blond hair and a green shirt pointing a handgun at him.

"Sorry," The boy lowered the gun, "Most of the survivors I've met so far have been completely insane. "Name's Timothy, by the way."

"Oh come on," Keith replied, "I'm sure nobody could be that crazy."


CRAZY PEOPLE THAT TIMOTHY HAS MET:


The shoe guy! Doesn't do anything except for drooling and chewing on a shoe while giggling. "Hee hee... Shoe..."

The box lady! Sits in a cardboard box because, and I quote, "The world is big and scary. The box is small and there is only me..." Will eventually own a company that manufactures Denial Boxes! Now in four different colours!

The butter girl! She figures, "If I'm going to get eaten by zombies, I may as well cover myself in butter so that I taste deliciously yummy and then everyone will love me!'


"Wow..." Keith said in awe. "Those are some real nuts!"

"I know," Timothy replied. "Anyways, we should-" Timothy was interrupted by a frantic pounding on the front door.


"Hm..." Marley pondered, "So, there are wolves that are going to eat me if I stay outside, and the door to the mansion is locked. I don't have any weapons or any way of defending myself, and I can't run for it because the wolves are faster than I am. Hm..." Marley spent several seconds mulling over the situation, then snapped his fingers. "I've got it! I'll pretend I'm a vegetable! Then the carnivorous zombie wolves won't want to eat me! No wait, that won't work." Marley sighed, "My broccoli impression is terrible. Wait, I have a better idea!" Marley began frantically pounding on the front door. "HEEEEEEEEEEELP!!!!!!"

CHAPTER END

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PostPosted: Sat Feb 02, 2008 9:32 am 
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(FINALLY! Sorry for the wait, but exams suck. =( Luckily, I'm all done now so I should be posting here more often.)

Chapter Five: An Annoyance Knocks

"HEEEEEEEEEEELP!!!!!!"

"SHUT UP!!!" Keith yelled in annoyance, "God, what's your problem? A simple 'Please open the door,' would have sufficed!"

Marley rolled his eyes and continued to pound his fists against the door. "Well excuuuuuuse me for being cornered by a pack of wolves that want to feast upon my delicious flesh!"

"Can you prove that you're sane?" Timothy shouted over the sound of Marley pounding on the door.

Marley blinked and stopped hitting the door. "Sane? You mean, not dumb? Like, 2 + 2 = fish?"

...

"Wait!" Marley began hitting the door again, "Umbrella = Doorknob! Scissors = Sausage! Secret sauce = apocalypse! I don't wanna get eaten! I'm too salty!"

"Sorry, no can do."

...

"...Please open the door?"

"Well, since you asked so nicely..." Keith yanked open the door just long enough for Marley to get in, then hurriedly shut it. Keith then felt a shiver run through his body. "Huh. Somehow I get the feeling I just did something I'll regret several times in the future."

"Yay!" Marley hugged Timothy, "Now we're best friends forever, right? And we'll do best friend stuff together, right? And we'll-"

"Get off me, jerk!" Timothy gave Marley a quick bonk on the head to accentuate his point.

"Yeah... I'm gonna regret this pretty much for the rest of my life..."

CHAPTER END

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Last edited by Doodleshark on Thu Feb 14, 2008 4:17 pm, edited 4 times in total.

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PostPosted: Sat Feb 02, 2008 9:39 am 
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Blaziken Level 100
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Location: What are you, a stalker?
Why is it when marley hugged him and said yay and that stuff, it reminded me of something...anyway, cool!

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PostPosted: Sat Feb 02, 2008 11:05 am 
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That was hilarious, but I'm not really a fan of zombies.

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This is my RP Forum, Tales of Symphonia Adventures, or ToSA for short. Please take a look?

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Hyperion(4); Gender - Male; Abilities - Blaze, Keen Eye;Attacks - Leer, Tackle,Ember,Double Team;Holding - Nothing
Celsius(4) - Gender: Female; Type: Bug, Ice; Abilities: Shed Skin, Inner Focus; Attacks: Powder Snow, Protect,Double Team,Tackle
Cobra(4) - Gender: Female; Type: Water, Poison; Abilities: Shed Skin, Storm Drain; Attacks: Mud-Slap, Leer, Harden,Bite
Eric (2) - Gender: Male; Type: Psychic, Flying; Abilities: Trace, Keen Eye; Attacks: Growl, Gust, Sand-Attack
Bruce (3) - Gender: Male; Type: Grass, Fighting; Abilities: Guts, Sand Veil; Attacks: Tackle, Poison Sting,Absorb, Helping Hand

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PostPosted: Sat Feb 02, 2008 12:01 pm 
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Even though i only read the parts about me...It was still good.
I am a lot like that in real life too....
Oh and yay i get to be the obnoxious one!

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Weepitang - Gender: Male; Type: Grass, Steel; Abilities: Clear Body, Chlorophyll; Attacks: Take Down, Vine Whip, Psychic, Wrap. Level 17

............ - Gender: Male; Type: Fighting, Flying; Abilities: Guts, Inner Focus; Attacks: Leech Life, Leer, Low Kick, Revenge. Level 15

Sudonette - Gender: Male; Type: Rock, Ghost; Abilities: Insomnia, Rock Head; Attacks: Knock Off, Copycat,Rock throw, Curse. level 5

Metarion(SDC) - Gender: Male; Type: Grass, Metal; Abilities: Shield Dust, Sturdy; Attacks: Metal Claw, Tackle, Mud-Slap, Headbutt. Level 8

Shieldyu(SDC) - Gender: Male; Type: Water, Ground; Abilities: Sturdy, Natural Cure; Attacks: Tackle, Protect, Rapid Spin, take down. Level 5

Lola - Gender: Female; Type: Psychic, Flying; Abilities: Inner Focus, Synchronize; Attacks: Teleport, Leech Life, Leer



Silver wrote:
I love you The n00b. You don't have to be jealous of actual n00bs. There's only room in my heart for you. I'm just... disappointed that you left me for so long. It was lonely... you promised you'd write to me, but you never did... the months passed by, and I still thought of you every day, but you never called. I never got any letters from you.

So eventually, I started to lose faith... I thought you had been killed in that terrible, terrible war. Or maybe that you had forgotten about me. It's been so long, you probably found another girl over there... I never stopped loving you, but I didn't think you cared about me anymore, so welcoming you back just would have been too painful for me... I'm sorry. I'm glad you've come back home *sniff*


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Last edited by Blastotoise on Sat Feb 02, 2008 1:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Sat Feb 02, 2008 12:19 pm 
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Blaziken Level 100
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Ive found a secret, 2+2 can equal fish if you flip the last 2 and scrunch em up, my friend told me this.

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