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 Post subject: Critique of our Writings
PostPosted: Tue Dec 05, 2006 2:28 pm 
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Hope I spelled the topic right. But anyway if a Mod could sticky this it would be good.

I've started this topic to have a place for people to evaluate the writings of other people, both in Writing and in Fan.



And so I'll start this off. What's the opinions of my Dark Lord story?

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PostPosted: Mon May 14, 2007 10:57 am 
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Sorry if I sound a little harsh but, being a semi-professional writer, I tend to really pick apart stories that I read.

The Dark Lord:
Don't have time to reread the whole thing right now but from what I remember... The story didn't interest me much. Just some evil guy taking over themed worlds. Maybe it'll get more interesting later on when the main characters start to do stuff, I don't know. Also, there's tons of dialogue but hardly any descriptive stuff (see my comment s on your next story).

Trials of Life:
There isn't enough for me to say much about the plot itself. Writing wise, the prologue goes a bit fast. More set up wouldn't hurt but isn't neccessarily needed. At very least though, the whole story needs more descriptions. There's very little info on what the characters look like, what the places they're in look like, etc. That seems to be a rather common mistake for novice writers. Setting the scene and putting in dialogue isn't enough to make good writing. If there isn't enough detail for readers to picture everything in their heads, there should be more.
Also, the dialogue the beginning with the scientists seems very flat. The guys sound like they're speaking in a total monotone. Too calm and too lifeless. I just can't imagine anyone in that situation talking like that.

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PostPosted: Wed May 16, 2007 7:08 am 
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Ok got it :)

In the case for Trials, this was just a starter post to get the idea from my head before I forget much of what I wanted to start. I'll go and add more later.

Same with The Dark Lord. I should probably go ahead and put the battle scenes in and abit more char development. Again, I'll work more things into it when I finish and have time to go and add stuff.

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PostPosted: Fri Jun 15, 2007 10:57 am 
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Finally remembered to read your new version, sorry it took so long.

Anyway, it's a big improvement over the first version. You're doing a better job of describing the scenes and characters. I think the flow of the writing could use a bit more improvement but that's usually the type of that just improves with practice, it's not easy to just learn. Although, if you want to try and jumpstart the process, I'd recommend taking a good book that you like and reading through it while paying close attention to the writing style then try and mimic that style in your own writing. After awhile, you should feel comfortable enough to modify and change that until you have your own style. My only other tip writingwise, it to type things like this up in Word or something similiar and run a spell check and then copy and paste into the forums since you've got a decent amount of typos in there.

Storywise, it's still too early for me to say. Although I'm kinda curious why the scientists couldn't try to blast the pieces of the meteor. Plus, at least in my mind, it might be good to warn the people so they could build shelters or something. But that's just me.

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PostPosted: Fri Jun 15, 2007 3:42 pm 
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Hum, I guess I can easly put in a good reason why they couldn't destroy the other peices. Kind of like what happened in FF X with the Air Ship

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PostPosted: Thu Aug 02, 2007 1:25 pm 
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No matter how large an asteroid is, it still partially burns up in the atmosphere.

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PostPosted: Thu Aug 02, 2007 5:08 pm 
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Yes but only part of it, the ones that have hit earth did the same but still left a big impact on the world, either though big crators or mass extenctions. And besides this is fiction, anything can happen. I don't see big astroids burning all the way up in the atmosphire in any movies where it came into earth

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PostPosted: Fri Oct 09, 2009 12:00 pm 
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I've asked for advice on poems, like change words or what not, but still nothing. So I'll be putting one of the poems I want feedback on.

Without You
By David Barnum

Why don’t you listen to what I have to say?
What is it without you during the day?
Is there nothing I can do to be with you?
Will I be able to hold you tight and do the things we do?
Under a breath’s course will flow from the wind
Holding you tight and not letting you bend

I want to hold you tight
I promise I wouldn’t bite
Gather your love
I’ll be your dove
Just don’t leave me
All alone to see

I want to know what you’re thinking
I want to know what you’re feeling
I want to see you tonight
I want to hold you tight
Open your heart to us
I will not let you fuss
I want to be with you
Under the stars and the moon

I want to hold you tight
I promise I wouldn’t bite
Gather your love
I’ll be your dove
Just don’t leave me
All alone to see

Why is my heart aching for your touch?
Is it the way I see your eyes when you blush?
I don’t want to see you crying
In my arms we will be flying
Hold me tight with a kiss
Just don’t leave me in a mess
Without you will cause my heart to fail
Looking at you will cause me to tell

I want to hold you tight
I promise I wouldn’t bite
Gather your love
I’ll be your dove
Just don’t leave me
All alone to see

My feelings will always be for you
A rose in one hand and a bow too
But will you accept me in your world?
Would you take it with a hand?
What would you do if I gave you my heart?
Would you take it or steal it without a look back?
Do you want to touch the sky?
Will you be by my side?

I want to hold you tight
I promise I wouldn’t bite
Gather your love
I’ll be your dove
Just don’t leave me
All alone to see

A tear will stream down our faces
The rich wine that we drink in different places
Opening my feelings for you will never change
Even if I die with regret or be locked in a cage
Will you have the key?
To make my heart bleed
Without you will just tear my heart open
I’ll open my feelings to you even if they are broken

I want to hold you tight
I promise I wouldn’t bite
Gather your love
I’ll be your dove
Just don’t leave me
All alone to see

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PostPosted: Sat Oct 10, 2009 1:46 am 
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Well, it rhymes... :sweat: Sorry, but poetry really isn't my area of expertise. I will say though that it reads more like the lyrics to a song than a true poem due to your repeating "chorus" bit.

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PostPosted: Sun Nov 01, 2009 2:45 am 
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Aquanta wrote:
Without You
By David Barnum

11 Why don’t you listen to what I have to say?
10 What is it without you during the day?
11 Is there nothing I can do to be with you?
15 Will I be able to hold you tight and do the things we do?
10 Under a breath’s course will flow from the wind
10 Holding you tight and not letting you bend

6 I want to hold you tight
6.5 I promise I wouldn’t bite
4 Gather your love
4 I’ll be your dove
4 Just don’t leave me
5 All alone to see

8 I want to know what you’re thinking
8 I want to know what you’re feeling
7 I want to see you tonight
6 I want to hold you tight
6 Open your heart to us
6 I will not let you fuss
6 I want to be with you
7 Under the stars and the moon

... [chorus]

9 Why is my heart aching for your touch?
11 Is it the way I see your eyes when you blush?
8 I don’t want to see you crying
8 In my arms we will be flying
6 Hold me tight with a kiss
7 Just don’t leave me in a mess
8 Without you will cause my heart to fail
9 Looking at you will cause me to tell

... [chorus]

9 My feelings will always be for you
9 A rose in one hand and a bow too
9 But will you accept me in your world?
7 Would you take it with a hand?
10 What would you do if I gave you my heart?
11 Would you take it or steal it without a look back?
7 Do you want to touch the sky?
6 Will you be by my side?

... [chorus]

8 A tear will stream down our faces
12 The rich wine that we drink in different places
11 Opening my feelings for you will never change
13 Even if I die with regret or be locked in a cage
5 Will you have the key?
5 To make my heart bleed
10 Without you will just tear my heart open
15 I’ll open my feelings to you even if they are broken

... [chorus]


Josiah is right that it sounds like a poem written for song. I am sorry, it is a cute poem, but I thought I'd start the criticism. As you can see, I like to break things up into syllables. Although making a set amount of syllables can make it sound rushed in some lines and stretched in others if you don't pay attention to the stresses too. I'm not very good with recognizing stressed syllables in english. In fact, I've had an annunciation problem related to syllabic stresses for years. Ask Stevenson, he makes fun of me all the time for it. As I get better, perhaps I'll offer help with getting the meter right.

Well, aside from researching meters and different feet and looking up the stressed syllables of words in the dictionary, one thing that really helps (because that former idea won't really help) is setting a average amount of syllables or even just reading the lines next to each other where they're supposed to have similar styles and seeing if they match up enough. I used to always give me a +/- 1 range around it to work with. It doesn't matter as much sometimes, but when you have multiple verses as above, you typically use the same melody for the verses until there is a major change. I put 6.5 on the second line of the chorus because "wouldn't" is a very dragged out word. Of all the contractions, the "not" ones almost don't (except "don't") sound shorter than the two words they replace. The second verse is very short, which isn't bad if it's meant to be in a different style, which it does sounds like it is. The last verse is severely different though, with two lines that practically sound like they should be combined.

I do like the rhyming style, you combined perfect rhymes with partial rhymes and assonance. I don't think partial rhymes is the correct term, but I'm a bit tired right now. I feel like I'm starting to ramble a bit too much.

Really, all you need to do, most of the time, is read it out loud. If it doesn't sound right, change it. If it sounds good, keep it. Don't get too over analytical, it's art.

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PostPosted: Mon Sep 13, 2010 6:18 pm 
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Could someone critique my poem and the rough draft of the first chapter of the first book in my book series?

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PostPosted: Mon Sep 13, 2010 7:17 pm 
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Blue Fire Cyndaquil wrote:
Could someone critique my poem and the rough draft of the first chapter of the first book in my book series?

You lookin' for a critique, an edit, or both? I'd be happy to go through it, either way... but I'll only keep track of edits if you want me to edit, otherwise I won't bother. Lemme know.

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PostPosted: Tue Sep 14, 2010 11:57 am 
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I'll try to look over and comment on the chapter when I have some time. If I don't get to it this week, PM me a reminder.

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PostPosted: Tue Sep 14, 2010 5:14 pm 
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How about both? I'm working on chapter 2, but I've got writers block......I know what to put on the next chapter, but I need to expand on 2. Ugh.

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PostPosted: Wed Aug 24, 2011 2:49 pm 
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(I know, revival of old topic, but it is for a good reason.) I was just wondering, for the fanfic that I have posted recently, I was wondering on how I have been doing story-wise, because this is my first story I have written that was not for some school assignment, so I want to know how the story is so far, if this is too old a topic I understand, its just I want to know how good my story is so far. Thanks.

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