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 Post subject: Carrier of the Moon
PostPosted: Tue Jan 25, 2011 12:54 pm 
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Pokémon Legend
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Okay, so, I actually wrote this short story like a year ago. However, I haven't written ANYTHING lately, and I just kind of felt like putting something up, and I wanted to get a bit of critique on my writing.

So, as a quick note, I came up with the idea for this story around midnight after a really, really long day and I was a tad loopy... where a tad is one of the world's biggest understatements. I also turned this into a test to see what I could do with being descriptive and stuff.

Final note, I don't like how I'm separating each paragraph with a space, however, the forums don't allow indenting, and I don't want it to be a giant pile of text, so I separate.

Please comment and let me know what you think!! I enjoy constructive criticism muchly :)

--

The glistening stars twinkled in the vast expanse of the sky. A faint wind rustled the leaves in the trees, taking some to the sky where they danced among the stars.

Illuminated in the light of an old lamppost was a young girl of no more than thirteen. Upon her head was an old cap that was slightly askew. She was dressed in a pair of jeans that were obviously hand-me-downs due to their tear. Her jacket and t-shirt were in a similar condition. There were no shoes upon her bare feet. The sleeves of the jacket were far too long, and when a wind blew by causing a few locks of black hair to tumble in front of her eyes she was forced to take a moment to roll back her sleeve in order to return the stray strands to their proper location.

It was for naught, though, for soon after another breeze caused her long bangs to again obscure her vision. With a laugh, she exhaled in an attempt to blow the locks away. In the cold air, her breath was visible as it pushed her hair aside.

“Silly wind, cut that out,” she chastised the wind. Out of the corner of her eye, the girl noticed someone eyeing her oddly. She giggled to herself. “Whoopsies, didn’t think anyone was out at this hour.” The girl paused for a second, and then added, “Well, except for me, of course!”

Ashlee, for that was the name of the young girl, swung around the old lamppost a few times, a grin plastered on her face. She released the cold metal, and began spinning around on her own, twirling with the breeze, as if they were dance partners. Eventually, her toe caught on a root and she tumbled down in a messy heap, landing at the base of a mighty tree.

“Oops! Sorry, Mr. Tree,” apologized Ashlee with a smile as she rolled to her feet. “Didn’t see you there, isn’t that just funny!” Ashlee giggled to herself. “I mean, you’re one biiig tree,” The young girl held her hands apart as far as she could stretch for emphasis. “Real big!”

With a bow of apology to the magnificent oak, Ashlee skipped away over to the fountain at the center of the small park. In the light of day, it was something to behold, but here in the radiant moonlight the water looked like liquid silver. Ornately carved figures stood guard at the pinnacle of the fountain, protecting their silver treasure. Ignoring their warnings, Ashlee glided over to the spring.

Ashlee let her fingers drag through the shimmering silver, her overlong cuffs also getting wet in the process (though Ashlee didn’t seem to notice). A large orb in the water caused her to turn her eyes skyward.

In the starry night sky there was one light that outshone the others. In all of its majesty, the full moon dominated the night. Ashlee retracted her now-wet hands from the fountain as she gazed at the sphere. “Moon,” she said with a brilliant smile.

With a teeny grunt of effort, Ashlee climbed up onto the edge of the fountain. Arms spread wide for balance, she glanced upwards again. She reached her arm up, hoping that the addition to her height might help her reach the distant object. It was all to no avail. A small frown crossed her features. “Aww,” she said gloomily.

Determined, the young girl stood on the tips of her toes, and again reached for the brilliant orb. Once again, she only swiped at air. Now as serious as serious can be, she sprung into the air for one last attempt. Her hand closed on air. However, so focused was she on trying to snatch the moon, that she’d forgotten about her precarious perch!

Her bare feet slipped and she tumbled down into the silvery depths of the fountain, arms flailing about. With a gasp, she re-emerged above the waves. Her long dark hair was now plastered to her face, and in the chaos her cap had fallen into the stormy waters. Her mouth forming an “O” of surprise, she groped around blindly for her cap. “You s-silly hat, come back here,” she chastised it, teeth chattering slightly from the cold. Finally, she located the misbehaving hat, and with a victorious grin she drew it from the water.

Just as she was about to return it to its proper location on the top of her head, she noticed a small glint inside of it. Curious, Ashlee reached into the damp cap and closed her fingers around a small, smooth object. She drew her hand from the hat and examined the small item. It was a small, silver coin! “Oh no, someone must’ve lost this!” Ashlee glanced around, confused. “But, I don’t see no one around anymore!”

After glancing left and right several times, Ashlee turned her gaze skyward. The moon, that had shown so brilliantly moments before, was gone! Her gaze returned to the shining coin in her hand that so closely resembled the marvelous orb she had seen earlier in the firmament. “Uh oh, the sky’s lost the moon!” Ashlee’s wet fingers closed around the cold metal, a smile tugging the edge of her lips upwards. “Silly sky, you need to be more careful!”

With the precious cargo in her hand, she clumsily climbed out of the fountain and touched back down on the grass. Even though she was soaked from head to toe, her small eyes twinkled like stars as she held the coin. “Well, finders keepers!” she chimed cheerily.

Holding the moon in the palm of her hand, Ashlee skipped off into the darkness. The same wind came by, but this time it did not dislodge her bangs. “Hehe, wind, it won’t work when I’m wet! Plus,” she added with a smirk, “if I were you, I wouldn’t mess with the carrier of the moon!”

The breeze subsided after that, and the merry laughter of the young girl rang out through the night.

_________________
May the Triforce be with you.
"To love another person is to see the face of God." ~ Victor Hugo
"Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid." ~ William Ernest Henley
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 Post subject: Re: Carrier of the Moon
PostPosted: Fri Feb 04, 2011 1:07 pm 
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There are errors with your spelling in spots.

-Ashlee glanced around, confused. “But, I don’t see no one around anymore!”-

Remember also that double negatives in the same sentence needs to change too. So either I don't see anyone around anymore or I see no one around anymore.


Overall, good story.

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Time will tell, as things come
Come to it all, will never end
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You will never know what my pain is untill its too late. Never for my heart to fall in pieces as with the blood that drips.


Du kummt..........

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 Post subject: Re: Carrier of the Moon
PostPosted: Fri Feb 04, 2011 6:47 pm 
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Pokémon Legend
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I shall go back and check on the spelling, but that double negative was intentional. Thanks for the feedback!

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May the Triforce be with you.
"To love another person is to see the face of God." ~ Victor Hugo
"Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid." ~ William Ernest Henley
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 Post subject: Re: Carrier of the Moon
PostPosted: Fri Feb 04, 2011 11:11 pm 
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Haven't had time to read the story yet but I'd like to point out that grammar mistakes in quoted speech aren't always a problem since people don't always speak "correctly".

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